This week, I had experienced a mixture of emotions about my life here in the Netherlands and our plans to go back to the Philippines. The past few weeks I have realized that I have been fortunate or blessed to have such a remarkable group of colleagues at work. The company responded well to my requests and they are doing all their best to improve my work situation. My manager has been very supportive of me as well. My formerly one-woman do-it-all job has turned into me plus 2 men with me actually running the show. All of a sudden my job is interesting again and I realize after all that the colleagues I have in my department have been nice to me the past few years in spite of me being the only lady at work and a foreigner. I’ve worked for almost a decade in the US and no company has treated me this way. I think this is the difference with the Dutch workplace. Plus, I have seen myself grow professionally and personally because of all the responsibilities that was given to me and the issues I had to handle. It was not all “happy happy joy joy” but I am proud to say that I have hurdled most of it and came out a better person”. Life is not easy here, believe me. But I believe by pushing me to my limits I end up a level higher in character and it is what I hope it would be. Having a false sense of pride can also prevent me from doing better at times. But I am human and being a bit older and stubborn are my greatest flaws.
This week, our new plan has been slightly modified again. This time, we would be first taking a 4 week vacation to the Philippines sometime in end of May or June and go where we want to go and see where we really want to live and if we both like it there. I think we would like it there if we find a nice area we feel at home and where we will find talented Programmers that are willing to work for us. Afterwards, we will decide and make final plans to move our stuff and then I will resign finally. I have told my manager all about this and assured them I will give them time to find a replacement for me. But as of now, it’s all very fuzzy still. Suddenly, with spring coming, birds start to chirp and flowers bloom. The mood suddenly changes. Things become less dreary it seems, and my mood has been better. I have also befriended a fellow Filipina and I have spent an afternoon at her house singing karaoke. But although everything seems well now and I am very happy with the situation, at the back of my mind I want the Software Development business to still be realized and the Philippines is the only place that seems appropriate for us to do it right now. Not here, not the U.S. but in the Philippines. But what is it that makes me sad now, in spite of all this? It is the same feeling I had when I was about to leave the Philippines to accept a job offer in the States. I was having fun then, I hangout with great colleagues, and I was well paid and was a in a senior position. I was really sad about leaving this kind of life with a life that was uncertain. Right now, our life is relatively comfortable. We could afford to pay for cleaning and such so our life here is also quite comfy and a bit spoiled somehow. Weather is bad here but I like the cool breeze in the summer and spring. But yes weather sucks here big time outside of spring and summer. It’s the travel opportunities that I will miss somehow. I will miss meeting people of different cultures and backgrounds and seeing the eccentricities of each country I visit. I still want to see the whole of Europe. Believe me, it’s a bit too ambitious but I do still want to have the chance to visit these exotic villages in Europe and see exotic individuals in spite of the difficulties and culture shock that go along with it. I actually want it. However, the tradeoff to this is that I have to comply with the rules of my home country and this is where I have trouble dealing with. I’d like to realize my other dream as well – the business and not being pounded by bureaucracy and language barriers! Yes, I admit, I have a love-hate relationship with the Netherlands. I am both sad and happy about being here. I hope I can get over these uncertain feelings and finally be at peace with whatever decision we make.
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5 responses so far ↓
1 Cecilia // Apr 24, 2008 at 4:56 am
Indeed! Isn’t it funny that when you think you are ready to make a decision, there’s always that twist to make you doubt?
At any rate, I still hope to see you. The earliest that we could be at Fairview would be June 23. If you can plan to stay with us, we could even possibly arrange taking you to the airport. Too bad, my Ducth friend is not visiting the Philippines at this time. Keep in touch!
2 rob // Apr 24, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I can relate as I also went through the phase a few months ago when work in the US was getting interesting/fun again. I also got a bunch of new teammates who were very cool to work with, and who I considered friends. As you said, with the increased sunshine and better weather this time of the year, it lightens the mood. Summer is a fantastic time in the place I lived and worked (Redmond, WA).
One observation I have, based on visiting the Philippines last year, and coming back home for good more than a month ago, is that four weeks is still a transition time. It was on the fifth week back in the Philippines where I felt something ‘click’ and I ‘got it’ again. It’s hard to explain, it’s like for the first few weeks, you feel like a visitor, but like clockwork, on the fifth week that’s when I felt everything was normal again and I felt a sense of peace and comfort, and getting to know the old ‘rob’ again.
The turning point for me was when I realized that I would never be 100% happy in the US. Maybe just up to 95 or 98%, in the most ideal conditions of good weather and pleasant work situations. And at other times, I’d just have that bleah feeling - content and satisfied, but not happy. That’s when I realized it is worth the gamble to come back home and get that 100% feeling of joy that I could never get overseas.
There is of course that financial risk, but I’m willing to lose a little to gain a lot (and given opportunities in the Philippines, my gut tells me the risk is less than what we are led to believe).
It is a gamble no doubt, but we only live once, so I decide to go all in. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for you based on your temperament and vision of the future.
3 mixxy // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:18 am
Hi Rob, Your comment hit right to the heart of the matter. I appreciate all your insights — it is quite encouraging amidst all my doubts and indecisions. And yes, having better weather and pleasant work conditions also improved my mood I guess but our plans and visions for the future still must be put in perspective.
4 mixxy // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:22 am
Hi Zylla,
I think we might still end up being there at the same time, we plan to visit somewhere June (tentatively) for a shorter time first before we make the decision. We are making our final date plans in the next few days.
5 Cecilia // May 11, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I finally got my flight booked completely yesterday. No turning back. My husband doesn’t like the PAL straight flight…too much space constraint. Besides getting there in the evening and going straight to bed is better, but PAL has the cheapest at this point–so our flight will arrive June 26 before 6am and will leave Aug. 4.
If you’re anywhere in Fairview, QC…let me know.
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